I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
