i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
