i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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