I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
