I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
