Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
