her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
