Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
