Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
