They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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