I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
