we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
