my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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