so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
