Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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