Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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