areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
