Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
