I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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