it wasn't lemon gatorade
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
