dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
