I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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