I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
