i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
