I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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