My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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