Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I smell like Dick and happiness
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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