I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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