it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
