Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
