I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
