No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
