worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
