so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
