Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
