fuck your aforementioned shoe
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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