you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
