We're like a lot better than the average bears
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
