Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
