Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
