apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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