So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
