I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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