Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I supernannyed him into submission
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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