Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
