I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
