plz talk dirty to me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
