i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
