ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
