im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
