New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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