your parents love me but you hate me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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