Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
