i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
